If you never attended a National Convention, its probably due to the fact that you are a responsible mature productive employee of your company. Only the most unproductive, feeble minded (also known as "high level management") are sent to conventions. This is for one of two reasons. First, it’s a reward to all of the dedicated, hard working, productive employees of the company who need a break from these overpaid hands-on managerial types. Second, since these conventions are always a couple of thousand miles away, held in places such as Hawaii, Florida, California, Las Vegas, etc, its punishment to those forced to go. Go ahead and ask that Senior Executive Director to the Managing Director of Corporate Fiscal Euthanasia, Hugh B. Looney, about the convention.
No doubt the flights were awful, room service was horrible, and those crazy California/Hawaiian/Florida taxi drivers. Another legitimate complaint is how expensive everything is, even though he gets reimbursed $1.25 for every dollar actually spent. Also, it was much too hot, and always, there was absolutely nothing to be learned, only idiots, morons or incompetents attended. Nuf said, Hugh.
I am an experienced conventioneer, having attended six National-Something-Or-Other-Conventions. The first National convention that I ever attended was located in a foreign land, Miami, Florida. However, it really doesn't matter where the convention is held, or who is holding it. For that matter, the International Association of Sheep Herders Convention in Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania would be the same as the Indiana Local Association of Pig Impregnators held in French Lick. In other words, they are all about the same. The only real difference is the city in which they are held.
It all starts out with a trip to the airport, where you give your airline tickets and bags to some guy in a military uniform. A good rule of thumb to follow when traveling is that anyone wearing a military uniform has the intelligence of a box of rocks. He will take your bags and send them at no charge to Albuquerque, New Mexico. To avoid this, watch him fill out the destination tickets, but most importantly, be sure to give him money. This brings up a very important point for all travelers.
Always have lots of $1 bills for bribes...er, I mean tips. $1 bills translate into every language on planet earth. Even if you are in Tangyangyeeka or Miami, giving a human inhabitant of that region good old U.S. of A. greenbacks literally translates into something like "I am a stupid American pig, but please take my money, and only shaft me half as bad as if I didn't give you these dollars." If he looks at you with complete disgust, everything is fine and each of you has an understanding. If he smiles warmly and thanks you, check to see that one of your lungs, some other vital organ, or your wallet hasn't been removed by one of his accomplices. If he refuses such a bribe, I mean tip, scream, act crazy, and run as fast as you can from this insane lunatic. One dollar bills will come in handy in many other situations. We'll get to that later.
Upon arriving in Miami, be prepared for the problems associated with speaking a different language. It kind of reminded me of being in a world of Philadelphia taxi cab drivers. After getting your bags, proceed to the hotel shuttle bus pick-up area. As you wait for your specific hotel bus, every hotel bus in the world will pass by, except yours. It is a little known fact that the first Stealth technology was developed for hotel shuttle buses. After waiting an hour, get a cab. As soon as you leave the airport and get on the interstate, your hotel shuttle bus will magically appear next to your cab, and everyone on it will be pointing at you and laughing. Cab fares from any airport to any hotel in the world always comes to about $35, not including bribes..er I mean tips. This is became an international law, negotiated by FDR and DeGaul at the Yalta Conference. It just so happened that FDR’s mistress owned a cab company, and in return, it was also agreed that henceforth, all potatoes fried in lard would be called “French” fries.
Upon arriving at your hotel, you will be greeted by a guy in a white banana republic like military uniform. Should you consider communicating with him, remember, “box of rocks”. He wants a couple of dollars to take your bags to your room. A basic rule of travelling is, anyone in a funny looking uniform must be given dollar bills. Just for fun, ask the guys in the funny looking uniforms for receipts. When they start laughing hysterically, tell them you're with the IRS, and the IRS requires receipts for you to get reimbursed. Oh, by the way, what did you say your name was? HA HA HA!
After checking in at the hotel, the first order of business is to go directly to the bar and get one of those $4 beers.
The immediate objective here is not to get sloshed. That comes later. You need to meet the most important and powerful people at the convention, and almost always, they will be found at the bar. These people are the sales reps for the various vendors trying to sell their products to all of the conventioneers. You will meet a person with a name something like Spiff Bilkington, who will introduce himself as the National Sales Manager of Goat-Shears-Are-Us, and he'll say something like "damn glad ta meet ya". Be sure to inform him that you are the Purchasing Manager at your company for something like "all equipment that cuts", and you would be very interested in finding out about his Company's line of products.
At this time, he will say to the bartender, "Julio, give me this guy's tab". Now you are ready to begin ordering those double VOs that go for about $9.50 a pop, and all of them will paid for by Goat-Shears-Are-Us. The Convention hasn't even started, and already, its a tremendous success.
Finally, things get rather boring at the hotel bar, so you and a few others decide to go out on the town. The first thing to do is to get a cab. Don't even try to tell the cabbie what you are looking to do. First, the probability of his speaking English is slim, and further, he knows that you are those crazy conventioneers, and knows exactly where you want to go.
It will be another $35 fare, plus bri.. er tip. He takes you to a place called something like "Hot Babes Oil Wrestling Gumbo Jambalaya Patissiray". When you enter, you will be surprised to find that about 200 other fellow conventioneers are already there, having foregone the hotel bar completely. More deals will be consummated here than any where else at the convention. This is the place to observe some of the best wheelers and dealers in your industry do their stuff.
From simply observing your industry peers, you will find that quite a bit can be learned at the "Hot Babes Oil Wrestling Gumbo Jambalaya Patissiray". Tips: order only bottled beer (no glass thank you), and for food, only purchase things that have been hermetically sealed at the factory, such as peanuts, pretzels and potato chips. Also, as discussed before, your many $1 bills will prove to be exceptionally useful to get the attention of the live entertainers. And when you are relieved of those $1 bills, DON'T FORGET TO GET THOSE RECEIPTS, HA, HA, HA!
Now, let's not forget one small item - THE CONVENTION ITSELF. It's a little known Federal Law that all conventions must start with a "Continental Breakfast". My advice is to order breakfast from room service. Go to the Continental breakfast, steal the rolls and danish, and use them to feed the pigeons at poolside. The hotel staff encourages such behavior.
The first thing to do in the Exhibit Hall is to observe the conventioneers. The rookies will be dressed in their dark blue pinstripe suits and red ties, and the veterans will be wearing either Bermuda shorts or green fluorescent slacks with pink whales, orange frogs or yellow elephants on them. Each vendor will have a display booth manned (or personned) by experienced "Account Executives". Each, in their unique way will attempt to lure the conventioneers into their clutches. Some will give away pens, pencils, mugs, and other items. I was a vendor at the 1986 American Bankers Association Trust Convention in California. The most successful Exhibitor was a brokerage firm. They simply put a keg of beer in their booth.
As you cruise the exhibit hall at 7:45 A.M. (this is true, the exhibit opens at 7:30), your objective is to spot the vendors that were out until 4:00 AM that morning. Upon sighting one, start asking him about everything that his company sells. Get very technical, and nail him down on pricing. Then ask him to get his boss for a possible order of 20,000 units for about $80 gazillion.
Of course you will be happy to discuss this further over drinks and dinner at a place called something like "Lay Expensayvoo o Zyor ‘Dwee".
It should now be about 8:30 in the morning, and you have gotten everything accomplished that you set out to do for the day. By 10:00 at the latest, you should be in your spiffy Hawaiian bathing trunks poolside, enjoying the sights.
However, if you are an idiot, you will go golfing with fat male persons. They will have names like Robert, Victor, and Biff. Biff is the skinny young person with a neon hat and endangered species fur wrapped around five of his 38 golf clubs. If for some reason (I couldn't fathom any) you wind up playing golf with a Biff, every effort should be made to hit him with one of your shots. "Gee Biff, sorry about that, I didn't see you there - FORE! HA HA HA!
If the restaurant has a French theme, your waiter will be someone named Pee-Yair or Fran-Swaa. Instead of attempting to understand the menu, simply tell your waiter that you would like to hear his recommendation. Your waiter now knows that you are a guest (freeloader) of the others, and money is no object. His recommendation will be the most expensive dinner on the menu. No problem, Pete.
He will recommend something like "smoked medallions of a formerly living thing, sautéed in some type of wine, butter and herb sauce. Upon being served this exquisite masterpiece of French culinary cooking, steaming hot in a delightful aroma, be sure to ask your waiter, in your best Philadelphia linguistics, "Yo, Pete, skyooz me, but could I git a bottle a ketchup to go wit dis stuff?"
Since the convention has been a thorough success, there is nothing further to accomplish. Therefore, spend the next couple of days relaxing at poolside and in bed. If you get bored, spend some time scavenging for blank receipts at restaurants and taxi stands. Make sure you get plenty, and be creative in padding that expense account.
When you get back home, call the office and tell them that everything was so hectic that you're exhausted, and need to take a day off resting. Jet lag and Montezuma's revenge are always good excuses.
Also, by now, the company should know that they have been much better off without you.
© 2001 
john@ominski.com
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