Dr. Johno on Raising Children

Posted by Johno on February 23, 2000 on World Wide Wits End

Yesterday, The Royal Offspring was sick, so I had to stay home with him, all by myself. By 5 o'clock, I had the compelling urge for a qualude and a Rastafarian bone. He is almost 3 and a half years old now, and I have come to the conclusion that everything that anyone says about raising children, for lack of a better term, is "full of shit".

Therefore, as Mr. Child Raising expert, I will share with you some of the incredibly little known facts to successfully raising children. Pay attention, BugBrain.

There are three basic tried and true rules to babies. One, never never never wake a sleeping baby. If your baby will sleep for an entire year without waking up, count your blessings. The second rule is when a baby is hungry, feed it. And third, babies need to be changed at least once every hour.

With the exception of really stupid things, like not putting the baby in the washing machine and tumble drier, that is about all you need to know about raising a baby.

However, it gets more complex with toddlers, as they have the ability to talk and hit you with hammers. Trust me on this one, as I am not making any of this up.

There are more rules for raising toddlers, but bear with me. Rules one and two of babies also apply. For rule three, just wait until the kid goes in his or her pants, and then change clothes. It won't take long until the kid realizes that he can extort you into giving him M & Ms or Hershey Kisses for using the potty. By the time my kid hits 4, I am sure he will want paper currency for using the toilet.

Toddlers do not sleep. They want to stay up 24 hours a day. They do not want to take naps. If I did not force my kid to go to bed, he would stay up for the entire winter, and probably into spring.

As for eating, you should always attempt to have your toddler join the family for dinner. This is a test. If your child can put up with you and the family at dinner, you have failed as a parent. If you enjoy having toddlers at your evening dinner, then it is you in need of psychiatric help.

Besides sleeping, the only thing a toddler cares less about is eating. Do not try to get your kid to eat healthy, as this is impossible. The kid thinks that anything that you want him to eat sucks, and he is right. As you and the family eat a healthy meal of fruits, vegetables, salads, tofu, and yogurt, hand the toddler a bag of chips and a box of chocolates, and plop him in front of the television set. For variety, throw in an occasional cheese curl, Twinkie, or bowl of ice cream.

And have a dollar ready for the next trip to the toilet.