THE SECRETS TO WEDDED BLISS
AND HOW TO REMOVE A HIGHHEEL SPIKE FROM YOUR EAR.
As Mr. Married Expert, I am now going to share with you the secrets of wedded bliss. If you follow the rules that I suggest, you too shall be King of your domain and have a life of eternal happiness. Granted, it might be a short one, but it will be well worth it. Trust me.
First, there has to be one understanding prior to marriage. That would be the Ralph Kramden rule of status, which is “I (the husband) am the king of the castle, and she (the wife) is but the lowly serf”. This rule applies just like any other law of nature. It ranks right up there with Newton's theory of figs and Einstein’s E equals two MC Hammers.
Now, after coming to this understanding, it is just as important to know the second rule of wedded bliss. That would be the rule of "Yes Dear". This is where the husband replies "Yes Dear" after the wife says anything. For example,
Wife: "Clean the bathroom today."
Husband: "Yes Dear."
Wife: "You are going to take me shopping for frilly lace curtains
today".
Husband: "Yes Dear."
Wife: "You don't listen to a word I say".
Husband: "Yes Dear."
Wife: "You're having an affair with the slut down the street."
Husband: "Yes Dear."
Wife, smacking husband upside his head with frying pan.
Husband: "EEEEYOW, Yes Dear".
The third rule to a happy marriage is understanding that men and women are different. Men are exceptionally logical creatures and happiest with each other in their natural state - fat, dumb, drunk, and dirty.
On the other hand, women are illogical. They worry about such ridiculous things as cleanliness, health, manners, and passing gas. When it comes to these social graces, men just don't have a clue, and we are darn proud of it. We simply can't understand why we have to wash the garbage before putting it in the can. I have always wondered what happens after the garbage MEN take away the garbage. Does it then go to WOMEN garbage inspectors, who check it out? "Yo guys, this garbage is dirty. Take it back to those Ominski pigs and have them clean it up."
Another example of how opposite we are is in fashion. Every time we go out, it is necessary to get dressed up. For men, this is always a losing proposition. We get dressed in about 40 seconds, and then we are asked, “You're going to wear THAT”?
For the male, getting dressed is simple. Open the closet or drawer, and the first things found are the outfit. For example, open the pants drawer, and if the purple paisley pants are on top, they are what you wear. Then open the closet. If the pink striped shirt is in front, presto, you now have an outfit that a woman will describe as fashionable for a circus geek. However, real men prefer the term "trend setter".
On the other hand, women will take about two hours, and could look like a fashion model from Vogue Magazine. Always, they will ask, "how do I look". And as always, the only reply is “you look beautiful dear, let's go.” Their standard reply is "You're just saying that", and proceed to try on outfits number two, three and four.
Now it's time for rule number 4. Never tell a woman that you don't like her outfit. If you do, you will be going to some 12 hour affair, she will wear the outfit, and proceed to make the occasion a nightmare for you. No less than a dozen other married women will tell her things like "I simply love your outfit", look at you, and walk away laughing hysterically.
At this time, hopefully there is a bar at this occasion with a ball game on the TV. Find it and join your other male married persons and do some bonding. At about this time you will find that beer and whiskey bond well.
The ball game will now be in the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, two outs, and a full count on the batter, with the home team down by one run, when the sacred moment is shattered. Enter wife.
Wife: "SO, THERE YOU ARE, IN A BAR AGAIN!"
Me: "Yes Dear".
John Ominski can be reached by email at john@ominski.com
